DETROIT — I’d have been better off with Bing Crosby; at least he could sing.
My fantasy football team’s kicker was a Crosby, but unfortunately it was “Ding” and not Bing. Mason Crosby, who could hit only the uprights during Sunday’s game between the Green Bay Packers and Detroit Lions, signaled the end of Green Bay’s chance for victory with the noise of a football clunking off the yellow pole.
Crosby missed four field goals during the 31-23 loss to the Lions and even botched an extra point, which any crooner-turned-kicker could seemingly convert. Long before even halftime arrived, I’d have preferred Tom Jones, Wayne Newton or any member of The Rat Pack to be out booting the football instead of watching a negative number reach double digits on the fantasy scoreboard.
Since in-game roster changes aren’t an option, the only respite available was just to play tunes from those entertainers as the point-total plummeted. To vent frustration, some of the lyrics were altered, or added, to reflect the dismal situation. It’s also a potential song list should “Ding” change his occupation to lounge singer.
“What’s New Pussycat?” — The name to be listed next to “Kicker” on next week’s fantasy football roster. That’s what’s new.
“Ain’t That A Kick In The Head?” — Are you sure he is accurate enough for that? You know he couldn’t find the 18-foot gap between two large yellow poles.
“Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime” — Proven by Detroit’s adoration for Green Bay’s kicker.
“She’s A Lady” — Well if she was at Ford Field, she could have tried the extra point.
“I’ll Be Home For Christmas” — Or even before Thanksgiving if I keep slicing the ball like a hack golfer.
“Crazy Arms” — And an unpredictable leg.
“Never In A Million Years” — Or maybe just once in a career.
“Bye Bye Blackbird” — Hello practice squad.
“Walking On New Grass” — And this stuff is really hard to kick from.
“Beyond The Reef” — And way beyond the upright.
“Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?” — The bus accidentally left without me and my cell phone was inside.
“It’s Not Unusual” — To miss a field goal, no. But missing four field goals and an extra point certainly is unusual.
“Fly Me To The Moon” — Because I don’t want to land in Green Bay.
“Somethin’ Stupid” — Like assuming kicking indoors would be easier.
“My Way” — Clicking the “waive” button next to the kicker’s name.